News on Alex

I know this is a blog about my kids, but this is something huge in our life and I need to get it out. Alex had another check up at MD Anderson and the results were not as we hoped. The cancer has spread to his liver. There are two spots they had been following and they shrank. Good that they shrank, but bad that since they shrank, they are cancer and not just scarring. Then the really bad...a large golf ball size tumor has rapidly grown in the last 2 months while he was on chemo. So they are calling this mutated sarcoma, kind of ironic, since cancer in it of itself is a mutation. Anyway, since it has grown so fast while on taxol, they must try new chemo. Alex has been handling taxol pretty well, so new chem is never good, but will hopefully knock out this new tumor. The heart tumor has continued to shrink, which is good too. Surgery is still an option down the road, but they want to try chemo first.

Now why I need to vent...I am pissed! So not a good reaction or very Christian to say I am just pissed off, but I am. I am mad that Alex has to continue to go through this. I am mad that even in remission he has to worry about when it will come back and when it comes back he has to worry about how it effects his family and work. For 8 years he has had this in the back of his mind when healthy and forefront when fighting the active cancer. I am mad that he turns 35 in 2 days and instead of not wanting to get older like the rest of us, he has to wonder if he will see 36. I am mad that the name Alex has become associated with sadness in our family. My Uncle Alex, and dad's baby brother, died at 18, killed by a drunk driver. I grew up my whole life with stories about the amazing Uncle Alex, but I never met him. His funeral was attended by hundreds and he was loved by so many people. Then my brother was named for him and now he fights this horrible fight and here my family is again with sadness around the name Alex. Again, so loved and so wonderful, but I don't want my kids growing up with stories about their amazing Uncle Alex, I want them to create memories with their Uncle Alex. I don't want my niece and nephew molded in life by the lack of a father. I want them to grow up with their dad and I am just mad that we even have to think that is a possibility. I am mad that my sister-in-law has had the toughest 10 years, that she is so young, but has had to already endure a lifetime of hardships. I am mad that my parents have to worry about outliving their son, which as a mother now, I know is devastating to even think about. I am just mad.

But I am not so mad that I have forgotten how much we have to be thankful for. 8 years ago, at age 27, my brother was told that he would not live 6 months, and here he is 8 years later at age 35. I know that no one has a guarantee on life and that Alex's situation has made us appreciate family and not take the small moments for granted. Alex knows how much we all love him and we know how much he loves us. Alex is well spoken and has inspired many talking about his life with cancer. And I am thankful that today my brother was at one of the best cancer hospitals in the world and there are still options. I am thankful that he has treatment options and that 8 years from now I will be talking about what Alex will experience in the next 8 years of his life. I truly believe Alex will beat this, he has always been extraordinary and no reason to believe otherwise now. I am thankful that I am a Christian and know that God has a plan and that He forgives me for being mad. I am thankful that my brother too has maintained his faith and actually grows stronger with each challenge. I am thankful that it seems to me that my brother and I have the best family and friends two people could ask for.