Sunday, January 15, 2012

One Year Without Alex

 It has been one year since we lost Alex.  By far the worst day of my life.  I have been dreading this day and anticipating it all the same.  It is as if we could make it to this day then we could make it through the next 10 or 50 years without him.  Believe me, I know there have been those days when that was a bit of a question.  In the beginning, we all felt his loss so physically.  The pain transcended emotional and made me physically hurt.  My heart still hurts, but the physical anguish is gone most of the time.  But wow do I miss him.  Almost in silly ways and at silly times.  Every few days, I get my David Yurman junk emails and I think of him.  I actually open the emails and look at the latest jewelry they are marketing and wonder what Alex would of thought.  I hear his voice whenever a football game is on.  Voice is an understatement, exuberant hollering is more accurate.  Every time my kids fight, I think of Alex and I our entire childhood and try to remind myself that they will get along one day and will be the best of friends.  I see Danielle and thank God that Alex had a great love in his life.  I see Lexi and Austin, and I see Alex.  What a wonderful gift he left behind in the form of two amazing kids, who I am lucky enough to be their only aunt.

One year has past and has been filled with lots of firsts without Alex physically here, but his life left such a mark that it sometimes seemed like he was there. Danielle made sure I felt him on my birthday and his enthusiasm was felt at every holiday.  Nobody did Christmas like Alex and our Christmas would not have disappointed him.  My kids still love to talk about him and Anders lights up when a picture of him pops up.  Alex will forever be apart of daily conversations.  Just yesterday, Brian talked about how warm my brother was and how always being greeted with a hug took some getting used to.  Alex was a hugger and I am thankful for each and every one.