Where we are now

I owed Alex a better post than leaving my initial reaction to his passing up for so long. The night he passed was rough, the roughest of my life. I did not sleep, I could not and had to be up at 3:30am to catch my flight, so it seemed pointless. The flight there was horrible, I cried the whole way and made the flight attendants quite nervous. However, the man sitting next to me was oblivious and kept talking about football. A wonderful friend picked me up from the airport and I went straight to my mom's where she held me while I cried. The irony, since I thought I was going to console her. But that is my mom, a woman created to be a mom, every fiber of her being goes into being a mom.

Everyone from our very large extended family arrived throughout the week for the services to be held the following weekend. Seeing friends and family really did help. Being with other people who truly knew and loved Alex provided comfort in ways I never knew. My girlfriends Heather and Michelle knew better than I did since they both arrived the same night as me, and just said we are here when you need us. I had said not to come yet, but they did anyway, and I was so glad they did.

I am still working through my thank yous, as are my mom and Danielle, because there are so many to do. The number of people who helped our family during the week and for the services was unbelievable. So many people donated their talents, resources, time, money, food, groceries, and the list goes on. And not only did family fly in, but friends from all over the country. It was amazing. Before this, I was not much for going to funerals unless I personally knew the person. I always felt funerals were private for close family and friends. But for the first time I can appreciate the people who came who did not even know Alex but were touched by his story, or came to support the family, or came to tell us that Alex had done something kind for them this one time. It was appreciated and meant a lot.

My sister-in-law, Danielle, has always been amazing and an inspiration, but she has reached a whole new level of remarkable. She showed strength unlike anything I have seen before. Not only did she have to grieve, help her children grieve, and plan the services, but then my poor niece ended up with strep throat and then the flu. On nights when Danielle should have been trying to sleep, she was cleaning up after a sick child. I tried to help, but Danielle was so concerned about my pregnancy, that she did not want me doing too much to expose myself. In the midst of everything, Danielle still managed to pull together a weekend of beautiful services. She set out to celebrate Alex's life and she succeeded. Never in my life would I have expected to laugh so much at the services and feel as if Alex was right there with us. The summary of the memorial service was that Alex was found attractive by both men and woman of all ages and sexual preferences. Alex would have been proud, since vanity was one of his vices. However, people also talked about his unique ability to make people feel special. He truly had a gift, probably why he was such a good salesman. Then Alex left a 26 minute eulogy that he had recorded in October 2010. It was a gift. I do not know how else to explain it, but he spoke with such wisdom and from the heart. It just made me so proud of the man he became, but so sad that the world lost such an amazing man.

So where are we now? I miss Alex a lot. The crying has become less frequent than it was in those early days, but I miss him even more. When Alex passed, I told my friend that I could not wait until it got easier and her response was, "Good luck." I did not get it, I thought that not everyone goes around crying when they lose someone, so it must get easier. Now I get it. The crying has decreased, I am not consumed all day with pain, but I miss him. I miss him whenever I see his car drive by. I miss him when I hear trance or house music. I miss him when my kids do something that I would have called to tell him. I miss him when it is quiet in the car or quiet as I fall asleep. I miss him when I see a David Yurman advertisement. I miss him when I think of any part of my childhood. And I have it easy compared to my parents, and Danielle, and Lexi and Austin who have to miss him all of the above times and all the other times since he was such a part of their daily lives. As for Danielle and the kids, they seem to be doing well. We are hoping to see them soon.

Thank you for the monetary donations to Lexi and Austin's college funds, the donations to the Alex Laynor foundation, and for the cards, emails, and flowers.