I do not know how I am going to get through this day or this week or this year. Right now I am suffocating and have that feeling of not knowing when I will breathe normal air again. I do not know how I will face Danielle, or Lexi, or Austin or my mom. I need to be strong for them, but I know that one look in their faces and I will lose all composure. Brian is so busy being strong for me that he can not even properly grieve. I thought I had prepared myself for this day. I did not want to fully admit this day would come, because that seemed like I was losing hope, but I knew there was a chance and so I played out how I would feel in my head. My head had no idea. I am in immense physical pain, I feel Alex's loss at my core, and then I feel guilty because it is selfish. He is healed now; he is not in pain; who am I to complain of my agony when I should be rejoicing that he is in Heaven.
So I will grieve a bit longer and then I will honor my promise to him to take care of Danielle, and Lexi and Austin.
5 comments:
We love you so much Kari. Allow yourself to grieve. We'll see you soon. Please let me know if there's anything we can do.
There are just no words....we are so, so, so sorry for your loss! You are all grieving for him, but you are right when you say that the good part, the REALLY good part starts NOW for him! His reward is waiting in heaven!
Blessings and love to your sweet family.....
My heart aches for you. And yet there is no way to alleviate any of your pain.
Grandpa Lyle wrote this years ago and it stuck with me as he left us this year:
Dear Family,
I just wanted to let you know that I made it home.
The journey wasn't an easy one, but it didn't take too long.
Everything is so pretty here, so white, so fresh and new.
I wish you could close your eyes and that you could see it too.
Please try not to be sad for me. Try to understand.
God is taking care of me...I'm in the shelter of His hands.
Here there is no sadness, no sorrow, no pain.
Here there is no crying and I'll never hurt again.
Here it is so peaceful when all the angels sing.
I really have to go for now...I've just got to try my wings.
I wish so deeply there was something I could do to ease your pain. I hurt for you. I am so sorry Kari.
Kari, I work at HeartPlace and wanted to let you know so many are praying for you and the whole extended family. I talked to Weida this morning and shared with her that no only Alex but his entire family has been an inspiration to so many. In Alex's humility, I don't think he could "see" the true impact he made in the lives of so many. Not a brief impact, but a life changing impact. While my heart hurts along with yours and I try to make sense of "why", I also shout praise for a God who has now healed Alex and a man who touched the lives of so many. From Heaven's view I believe Alex will now truly see the many, many, many people positively affected by him. Our prayers continue for comfort and love to surround your family. God bless and hold you all.
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