Motherhood is a Privilege

The longer I am a mom, the more I appreciate that privilege. The intimate, simple moments are the most remarkable and memorable.

Yesterday, Shane and Myann were sitting on the dining room table after lunch. Both had Lunchables for lunch, a rare treat, and were enjoying the cookies that come with them. I then heard Shane saying, "Wipe your face messy girl." As I looked up, he had gotten a wet paper towel and was grabbing her head and wiping her face repeatedly saying "Wipe your face messy girl", but in a sweet caretaking voice. It was such a simple moment, but absolutely precious.

This morning I was bent down in front of the dryer, moving clothes from the washer to the dryer. Myann came in and hit my back, I said that wasn't very nice, and then I felt her whole body on me, she was hugging me. She then hit me again and then another long hug. Very sweet, but talk about a love hate relationship. And one of these nights I need to take the video camera in for Myann's bedtime. She is so manipulative...she sits through reading books in Shane's room and then wants more books when we get to her room. She says, "One book, then go bed." After books, I always sing to her, and she always asks for more songs, "One more time, itsy spider, one more time." If not itsy spider, then tinkle star, or little lamb. I love her soft voice and mispronounced words.

No one would believe me, but I know that Anders has been smiling. I know - gas - that is what everyone says, but his are smiles. I know. They are not responsive smiles, he isn't necessarily smiling at me, but I believe he is smiling out of contentment. He mostly does it when he is sleeping, but he has also done it while nursing and as he falls asleep. He is such a good baby. I look at him sometimes and feel sad that he has to share me 3 times over, that he will never get the alone time that Shane got or even as much as Myann. But then I am reminded by this, that Anders is loved, perhaps he is surrounded with even more love, because he has the love of two siblings. Believe me, Myann and Shane love on him A LOT!

I walk along holding your almost 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow Of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me.” And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,” Knowing in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her — as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are setting into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times — only now, we are three. I watch the look between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you — only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply. I love you — both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown