Hair cuts

Today's hair cuts went great, like really great. All 3 kids cooperated and we even attempted to go a little different on cuts. Anders - I finally went a bit shorter and Shane wanted to go a bit longer. This is the first time that Shane has ever had a strong opinion about his hair and he was adamant that he keep it a bit long. Myann was in a super sweet mood too.

Where we are now

I owed Alex a better post than leaving my initial reaction to his passing up for so long. The night he passed was rough, the roughest of my life. I did not sleep, I could not and had to be up at 3:30am to catch my flight, so it seemed pointless. The flight there was horrible, I cried the whole way and made the flight attendants quite nervous. However, the man sitting next to me was oblivious and kept talking about football. A wonderful friend picked me up from the airport and I went straight to my mom's where she held me while I cried. The irony, since I thought I was going to console her. But that is my mom, a woman created to be a mom, every fiber of her being goes into being a mom.

Everyone from our very large extended family arrived throughout the week for the services to be held the following weekend. Seeing friends and family really did help. Being with other people who truly knew and loved Alex provided comfort in ways I never knew. My girlfriends Heather and Michelle knew better than I did since they both arrived the same night as me, and just said we are here when you need us. I had said not to come yet, but they did anyway, and I was so glad they did.

I am still working through my thank yous, as are my mom and Danielle, because there are so many to do. The number of people who helped our family during the week and for the services was unbelievable. So many people donated their talents, resources, time, money, food, groceries, and the list goes on. And not only did family fly in, but friends from all over the country. It was amazing. Before this, I was not much for going to funerals unless I personally knew the person. I always felt funerals were private for close family and friends. But for the first time I can appreciate the people who came who did not even know Alex but were touched by his story, or came to support the family, or came to tell us that Alex had done something kind for them this one time. It was appreciated and meant a lot.

My sister-in-law, Danielle, has always been amazing and an inspiration, but she has reached a whole new level of remarkable. She showed strength unlike anything I have seen before. Not only did she have to grieve, help her children grieve, and plan the services, but then my poor niece ended up with strep throat and then the flu. On nights when Danielle should have been trying to sleep, she was cleaning up after a sick child. I tried to help, but Danielle was so concerned about my pregnancy, that she did not want me doing too much to expose myself. In the midst of everything, Danielle still managed to pull together a weekend of beautiful services. She set out to celebrate Alex's life and she succeeded. Never in my life would I have expected to laugh so much at the services and feel as if Alex was right there with us. The summary of the memorial service was that Alex was found attractive by both men and woman of all ages and sexual preferences. Alex would have been proud, since vanity was one of his vices. However, people also talked about his unique ability to make people feel special. He truly had a gift, probably why he was such a good salesman. Then Alex left a 26 minute eulogy that he had recorded in October 2010. It was a gift. I do not know how else to explain it, but he spoke with such wisdom and from the heart. It just made me so proud of the man he became, but so sad that the world lost such an amazing man.

So where are we now? I miss Alex a lot. The crying has become less frequent than it was in those early days, but I miss him even more. When Alex passed, I told my friend that I could not wait until it got easier and her response was, "Good luck." I did not get it, I thought that not everyone goes around crying when they lose someone, so it must get easier. Now I get it. The crying has decreased, I am not consumed all day with pain, but I miss him. I miss him whenever I see his car drive by. I miss him when I hear trance or house music. I miss him when my kids do something that I would have called to tell him. I miss him when it is quiet in the car or quiet as I fall asleep. I miss him when I see a David Yurman advertisement. I miss him when I think of any part of my childhood. And I have it easy compared to my parents, and Danielle, and Lexi and Austin who have to miss him all of the above times and all the other times since he was such a part of their daily lives. As for Danielle and the kids, they seem to be doing well. We are hoping to see them soon.

Thank you for the monetary donations to Lexi and Austin's college funds, the donations to the Alex Laynor foundation, and for the cards, emails, and flowers.

Sweet Myann

Just a perfect photo of Myann and Katie, Myann being super sweet that is.

Aunt Sunny's visit

I am cheating a bit here, because I wanted to blog part of Sunny's trip here. I took some of these things off Sunny's facebook page. Sunny flew in to take care of the kids so I could immediately fly to Dallas when Alex passed away. Brian got her settled in and then joined me in Dallas. Sunny then stayed a week after I got back. I knew she would have liked to go to the funeral, but was so thankful that she came here to take care of my kids.

Need an esteem pick-me-up, come visit my nephews and niece. SHANE: 'Tina is the best baby-sitter in the world' ME:'Yes, Shane. Tina is an amazing baby-sitter, but I thought that I was the BEST baby-sitter?' SHANE: 'No, silly. You're not the best baby-sitter, you're the BEST AUNT in the world!'

I was going to add the disclosure that he probably said that because I had just gotten him a present, took him out to eat wherever he wanted and fed them airline cookies for breakfast. I basically "paid" for that compliment.



The lesson that I learned from my 5 yr old nephew and 4 yr old niece tonight is: 'I have big woman boobies and Myann wants to have BIG woman boobies like Aunt Sunny. Little girls have little girl nipples'. Shane then added: 'Little boys just have nipples and boys should never have boobies'....


I wish that video monitors had a built in video recorder. My nephew says and does the funniest stuff in his crib before falling asleep. Right now he is singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" in a rap/metal version of the song, while headbanging along to his rendition. So dang cute!


Conversation over breakfast with my dear nephew...

Shane: Aunt Sunny you love kids and you take care of us really well, so when are you going to have your OWN kids.

Me: I don’t know, Shane. It just hasn’t been the right time yet.
......
Shane: But aren’t you over 30 or over 32?'

Me: Yes, Shane.

Shane: Well, you should definitely hurry up and have some kids then, cause otherwise you will be TOO OLD!



Ander's goodbye: 'I want a kiss' and he kissed my lips, and then both of my cheeks...precious. Shane's goodbye: 'But I'll miss you. I didn't get to do enough with you. How many days until you come back?'. Myann's goodbye: 'I wish you didn't have to leave. You could just stay here. I love you, Aunt Sunny'. I also got the longest hugs from Myann and Shane. I love them so much and already miss them!!!

And worst for Sunny but amusing to me, was that Sunny had a bad fall off a stool while she was here. Over a month later, Anders still gets up looks at the stool and says, "Aunt Sunny fell off the stool and went Boom." Thankfully she did not break anything, but had a few sore places and bruises.

Sledding

One of Aunt Sunny's last days here and we decided to venture up to Mt. Spokane for sledding. The trip there was less than enjoyable, and definitely one of those days where the end fun makes it all worthwhile, but as 3 kids were whining and complaining, it made us rethink our plans.

Shane is my daredevil trying to go as fast as possible. For the beginning, Anders was happy to be with us, but by then end, he wanted to go all by himself and told me just that. So we did and he survived.





Anders going up the tow rope all by himself.

Grief

I do not know how I am going to get through this day or this week or this year. Right now I am suffocating and have that feeling of not knowing when I will breathe normal air again. I do not know how I will face Danielle, or Lexi, or Austin or my mom. I need to be strong for them, but I know that one look in their faces and I will lose all composure. Brian is so busy being strong for me that he can not even properly grieve. I thought I had prepared myself for this day. I did not want to fully admit this day would come, because that seemed like I was losing hope, but I knew there was a chance and so I played out how I would feel in my head. My head had no idea. I am in immense physical pain, I feel Alex's loss at my core, and then I feel guilty because it is selfish. He is healed now; he is not in pain; who am I to complain of my agony when I should be rejoicing that he is in Heaven.

So I will grieve a bit longer and then I will honor my promise to him to take care of Danielle, and Lexi and Austin.

Manzanillo

Thank you to Richard and Merrilee for taking us on a trip to Manzanillo, Mexico. We left the kids in Texas with Grandpa Jo and Grandma Anne, thank you so much, and we went with Brian's siblings and Merrile and Richard. We could only go for 4 days, but we had a wonderful time. Lots of Mexican food, probably too much, but no illness. I was having some pregnancy nausea, but ginger pills were working wonders, and Brian's family was kind enough to give me preferential seating for the car rides.

Here are some photos of our fun, I was a less than stellar pregnant person, but I had fun and this baby will love adventure. Not to mention, the car rides were rougher than the 4 wheeling or horseback riding.